Wading through a few roadblocks today.
Dec. 5th, 2007 12:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wakeiseiyoFeel free to scroll past - this isn't a bubbly post of sunshine and rainbows (not that most of them ever are... ah well. Userinfo says it all - I bitch here).
I think there's a lot more hurt going on than I really acknowledge, and I think I've been shoving it aside into the 'deal with later' or 'try to ignore' piles because I feel like it would be selfish and ego-centric to indulge it. (Or, on another tangent, that if I acknowledge things aren't always "eh" or better, I may need to go back on mood meds again, and I flat-out refuse to do that short of serious considerations of suicide.) Things like the fact I was asked 4 or 5 times about what day my birthday was (fine, I'm still relatively new, no biggie there) but then when it came around, no one remembered, but everyone else with a birthday in November had a card and their cube decorated. It's not big, it's not even important, but on some level it still kind of stings to be forgotten like that, you know? (Also, spending my birthday not-at-home, in a stranger's house, was rather underwhelming and disappointing of it's own accord. I am never comfortable in other people's homes. I always feel profoundly out of place, regardless of the welcome I'm given - it's a boundary thing, I suppose. It's Not My Space, therefore I Do Not Belong.)
Tea last night either did or did not go well - I'm still not sure. I managed to do rather well when it came to sitting through koicha (my legs did not go miserably numb like they do even with the cushion), but Sensei was in a rather sour mood and some of her comments reflected that. I'm having a lot of trouble separating this hurt from what happened a few months back with that whole 'senpai' fiasco, so I'm feeling rather lost about the whole thing today.
Last night, I was the 'senpai' student of the group, and the only one who had progressed beyond Rakubon beginnings. Which is fine. I've been doing Tea for 4 years now (my fukusa is evidence of this - it's more brown than mauve now from old, stubborn tea stains), and for 3.5 of those four years, it has been with my current Sensei. Most days, she's a model of success - she's made it in the world and has a large home and horses, etc to show for it, and she makes time for her hobbies and hubby. This is great, and awesome, and I would love to achieve such a thing someday on my own. And then there are days where it feels like she regards everyone as her enemy, and it will not matter how much you do (like, say, free house-sitting that would normally cost $75 a day...), you will not win. Last night, the new students showed some interest in kimono, so I started trying to offer the loan and whatnot of my own collection for Saturday's party, mainly yukata because you need fewer mandatory accessories (like the formal underwear, the various obi fixings, etc). The tone of the conversation to the students was positive, but every time Sensei said something on the matter, it was rather dismissive - I felt like I was being treated as some sort of competition as a teacher for the students (a real hoot, given the constant reminder of my non-viability as senpai). I consider offering kitsuke help as something of a 'bonus' to the Tea experience - it IS from a foreign culture, and therefore different, and there is SO MUCH MORE to it than a bowl on a plastic 'lacquer' tray once a weeknight - I guess I'm hoping these other students will take an interest in the artwork, the flowers, the traditional clothing, etc. And every time this sort of thing comes up in any more detail than "Samurai did this!" I get shut down SO quickly it's mind-boggling. The hurtful part of this is two-fold: one, the assumption by Sensei that no one else is interested (don't know =/= don't care), and two (and this is largely just a personal grump), that she continues to ask me for help in these arenas ANYWAY - she's still displaying the calligraphy that I loaned her ages ago, and just recently needed to borrow a stack of tea bowls for an event. And yes, I grump about the time and the cost of gas, etc, but short of being unable to do so (like some of these sewing projects), I'm glad to help out. I WANT people to experience Tea in as authentic a manner as possible, I WANT them to enjoy it, to make it something of their own by gaining enough interest to collect the art or utensils, etc. The mixed messages I'm getting, however, are driving me NUTS.
There are other things - the kimono that she bought me in Japan (it's lovely and I adore it even though it's about 2" too narrow in the hips right now) was last night suddenly some sort of 'hey, you pay for it and the other students can use it!' thing that I'm still not sure I'm clear on. The constant "Why don't you have any obi/kimono to sell?" question is getting more than irritating - I'll gladly orchestrate a trip to the kimono store(s) in the area, but my personal collection is not a flea market to go through anymore. I sold or gave away what did not fit, what would work for practice or fun for the more petite of the students, and what's left is what I have found or had made to fit me. It is not a garage sale, and I am not a store. I will loan out (most) items for a day, and help people dress, but I expect those things back at the end of the event. I'm not giving out freebies any more. The promise of a new fukusa when she went to Japan as my "gift" for house-sitting was a welcome idea [especially as it has been so often commented-upon that I desperately need a new one], and she came back with a koshi-himo and an obi instead (which was cute, and has kitties on it). I'm not snarking this as an "I don't like THAT gift" - it is an example of where what's communicated and what actually happens never quite mesh.
Mom has suggested changing teachers. Short answer, I can't. It's just not possible. Short of starting over from scratch in a whole other school (Edosenke, Omotesenke, Mushanokojisenke[?]), there is no place to go in Orange County that is not part of the hierarchy I'm in. And thumbing my nose at the system DEFINITELY won't get me anywhere. Everyone knows everyone else. The teacher I'd prefer to go to is my own Sensei's sensei. If I go up to Los Angeles, the head of that chapter is Sensei's sensei's sensei, etc. So I have to somehow come to grips with the less-than-healthy lessons I have now, or pretty much quit entirely, and I'm not willing to quit. Lately, I've just decided to take a month off at a time to regain some balance (the not-spending of $150+ helps, too), with some excuse or other as to why I'm not going.
And I know that if I try to discuss this with Sensei, it will NOT GO WELL. There's no way it can - she will take things personally, and she will be angry and resentful. There's no way I can ask her to take lessons with someone else; if I cite wanting to speak Japanese (about the only viable excuse I could come up with right now), she speaks the language. Short of airing this dirty laundry, there's just no damn way to bring this up. I've decided the only way to discuss this with her is if she is the one who initiates the discussion, and pointedly. Wavering vaguely around the matter and hoping I'll mention whatever-it-is that bugs me isn't going to work - there is no Japanese polite society method for this one.
Am I just being ridiculously over-sensitive about this? I'm trying to work through this, and explain it to myself logically rather than emotionally. (I'm 25 going on a crotchety 59 and have little to no real life experience as it is.) So feedback, requests for clarification, etc. are welcome right about now.
I think there's a lot more hurt going on than I really acknowledge, and I think I've been shoving it aside into the 'deal with later' or 'try to ignore' piles because I feel like it would be selfish and ego-centric to indulge it. (Or, on another tangent, that if I acknowledge things aren't always "eh" or better, I may need to go back on mood meds again, and I flat-out refuse to do that short of serious considerations of suicide.) Things like the fact I was asked 4 or 5 times about what day my birthday was (fine, I'm still relatively new, no biggie there) but then when it came around, no one remembered, but everyone else with a birthday in November had a card and their cube decorated. It's not big, it's not even important, but on some level it still kind of stings to be forgotten like that, you know? (Also, spending my birthday not-at-home, in a stranger's house, was rather underwhelming and disappointing of it's own accord. I am never comfortable in other people's homes. I always feel profoundly out of place, regardless of the welcome I'm given - it's a boundary thing, I suppose. It's Not My Space, therefore I Do Not Belong.)
Tea last night either did or did not go well - I'm still not sure. I managed to do rather well when it came to sitting through koicha (my legs did not go miserably numb like they do even with the cushion), but Sensei was in a rather sour mood and some of her comments reflected that. I'm having a lot of trouble separating this hurt from what happened a few months back with that whole 'senpai' fiasco, so I'm feeling rather lost about the whole thing today.
Last night, I was the 'senpai' student of the group, and the only one who had progressed beyond Rakubon beginnings. Which is fine. I've been doing Tea for 4 years now (my fukusa is evidence of this - it's more brown than mauve now from old, stubborn tea stains), and for 3.5 of those four years, it has been with my current Sensei. Most days, she's a model of success - she's made it in the world and has a large home and horses, etc to show for it, and she makes time for her hobbies and hubby. This is great, and awesome, and I would love to achieve such a thing someday on my own. And then there are days where it feels like she regards everyone as her enemy, and it will not matter how much you do (like, say, free house-sitting that would normally cost $75 a day...), you will not win. Last night, the new students showed some interest in kimono, so I started trying to offer the loan and whatnot of my own collection for Saturday's party, mainly yukata because you need fewer mandatory accessories (like the formal underwear, the various obi fixings, etc). The tone of the conversation to the students was positive, but every time Sensei said something on the matter, it was rather dismissive - I felt like I was being treated as some sort of competition as a teacher for the students (a real hoot, given the constant reminder of my non-viability as senpai). I consider offering kitsuke help as something of a 'bonus' to the Tea experience - it IS from a foreign culture, and therefore different, and there is SO MUCH MORE to it than a bowl on a plastic 'lacquer' tray once a weeknight - I guess I'm hoping these other students will take an interest in the artwork, the flowers, the traditional clothing, etc. And every time this sort of thing comes up in any more detail than "Samurai did this!" I get shut down SO quickly it's mind-boggling. The hurtful part of this is two-fold: one, the assumption by Sensei that no one else is interested (don't know =/= don't care), and two (and this is largely just a personal grump), that she continues to ask me for help in these arenas ANYWAY - she's still displaying the calligraphy that I loaned her ages ago, and just recently needed to borrow a stack of tea bowls for an event. And yes, I grump about the time and the cost of gas, etc, but short of being unable to do so (like some of these sewing projects), I'm glad to help out. I WANT people to experience Tea in as authentic a manner as possible, I WANT them to enjoy it, to make it something of their own by gaining enough interest to collect the art or utensils, etc. The mixed messages I'm getting, however, are driving me NUTS.
There are other things - the kimono that she bought me in Japan (it's lovely and I adore it even though it's about 2" too narrow in the hips right now) was last night suddenly some sort of 'hey, you pay for it and the other students can use it!' thing that I'm still not sure I'm clear on. The constant "Why don't you have any obi/kimono to sell?" question is getting more than irritating - I'll gladly orchestrate a trip to the kimono store(s) in the area, but my personal collection is not a flea market to go through anymore. I sold or gave away what did not fit, what would work for practice or fun for the more petite of the students, and what's left is what I have found or had made to fit me. It is not a garage sale, and I am not a store. I will loan out (most) items for a day, and help people dress, but I expect those things back at the end of the event. I'm not giving out freebies any more. The promise of a new fukusa when she went to Japan as my "gift" for house-sitting was a welcome idea [especially as it has been so often commented-upon that I desperately need a new one], and she came back with a koshi-himo and an obi instead (which was cute, and has kitties on it). I'm not snarking this as an "I don't like THAT gift" - it is an example of where what's communicated and what actually happens never quite mesh.
Mom has suggested changing teachers. Short answer, I can't. It's just not possible. Short of starting over from scratch in a whole other school (Edosenke, Omotesenke, Mushanokojisenke[?]), there is no place to go in Orange County that is not part of the hierarchy I'm in. And thumbing my nose at the system DEFINITELY won't get me anywhere. Everyone knows everyone else. The teacher I'd prefer to go to is my own Sensei's sensei. If I go up to Los Angeles, the head of that chapter is Sensei's sensei's sensei, etc. So I have to somehow come to grips with the less-than-healthy lessons I have now, or pretty much quit entirely, and I'm not willing to quit. Lately, I've just decided to take a month off at a time to regain some balance (the not-spending of $150+ helps, too), with some excuse or other as to why I'm not going.
And I know that if I try to discuss this with Sensei, it will NOT GO WELL. There's no way it can - she will take things personally, and she will be angry and resentful. There's no way I can ask her to take lessons with someone else; if I cite wanting to speak Japanese (about the only viable excuse I could come up with right now), she speaks the language. Short of airing this dirty laundry, there's just no damn way to bring this up. I've decided the only way to discuss this with her is if she is the one who initiates the discussion, and pointedly. Wavering vaguely around the matter and hoping I'll mention whatever-it-is that bugs me isn't going to work - there is no Japanese polite society method for this one.
Am I just being ridiculously over-sensitive about this? I'm trying to work through this, and explain it to myself logically rather than emotionally. (I'm 25 going on a crotchety 59 and have little to no real life experience as it is.) So feedback, requests for clarification, etc. are welcome right about now.
