和 敬 西 洋

I'm spending more time at the gym. Not buff yet (I like food too much for muscles to show up), but I can deadlift 115, bench 65, and squat 95 on a good day (bad knees = not many good days).  So that's nice. Aiming for three-digit numbers in all of the above, and the ability to do ONE un-assisted pullup before I die. So.

Remember date-not-date guy? We're still hanging out, he's still sweet as pie, and he likes my cooking. He's getting more attractive by the day. It helps that the panic attacks have faded away to a dull discomfort.  So that's nice. I might even find the stones to try dating him again, since he's proven time and time again that he's a Really Solid Guy.  (Not to mention an incredibly supportive gym buddy twice a week - I won't be gaining 30+ pounds due to drinking and eating to excess as a means of Doing Something Together.)

Everything else... work is still a way to pay most of my bills but the wages are rather shite (for the industry - I realize I make halfway decent money, but it's STILL not enough to live on my own despite being professionally licensed and earning some measure of seniority; compared to what others in the same positions make at other brokerages, we're a good 10K less a year, or more. It's irritating, especially when the company makes other large financial decisions that are clearly Not Smart, and then whines about the bottom line being so tight.)

I'm still hovering at the upper half of the 155s on the scale (and have for the better part of a year, now), but I'm slowly changing composition, so it's a leaner look than before. Frustrating, to see a number that doesn't signify progress, but the tape measure says otherwise. And I need to realize that at my goal body composition, I will probably weigh MORE.  I quit Weight Watchers - their system punishes me for the amount of protein I need in a day to build muscle mass, and rewards bad/overprocessed food choices (yes, it's fat free and sugar free, but I can't pronounce half of the ingredients and I'm hungry half an hour later.... so I go over my Points budget constantly trying to stay satisfied. Better to have full fat, high protein, and reduce the processed carbs as much as I can in the middle of Girl Scout Cookie season. Also, BACON.)  Using My Fitness Pal instead - more customizable goals. So yay for that.

Most of my social networking has slipped from Facebook to Fitocracy.  I tend to get unrealistic expectations of how I'll look in the mirror, surrounded by So Many Beautiful People, but it's also a site that's incredibly supportive of everyone, no matter what stage of their fitness they're in. (Added bonus: the number of fit men who post shirtless pics. Eye candy, all day, every day.)  And I really have turned into a gym rat. I ADORE lifting weights. Still hate cardio, but... Love weightlifting. Love the next-day ache that tells me I did well. Also like kickboxing, since I can get all my violent urges out on the bag and still improve coordination and conditioning. Win? :)

I still stalk everyone on my feed here, though. I just haven't commented as much. . .

Anyway. That's the state of my life right now. 

Life's going pretty well. I reconnected with an old friend from middle school because the next-door neighbor was playing matchmaker and what started as 'hey, let's hang out' has progressed quickly into something much better, and we're both geeky-nerd types, so things are going very well. (There's a lot of "Hey, you too?" moments, to the point that the joke is things are awfully autoerotic now.) Also, we are thinking up many ways to prank the neighbor, including leaving wedding magazines with my mailing address on them in plain sight on the dashboard while his car is parked out front of her house. Fun times.

Also, he's my gym buddy now so we can both guilt each other into going to the gym to get in shape, since we have memberships that are being paid for but not used. And he can COOK. ^___^ Which means he's going to teach me more about cooking because my skill level depends on how hard the instructions on the back of the box are. (He made bananas foster Friday night, and we paired it with honey-vanilla haagen daaz. Yeah, he got nookie for that one. YUM.)


Keep planning to write and post daily tanka and then never get to it. Dang. I've never been good at the every-day-do-something projects. I tend to stack up all my time on the weekend instead.

Still spending too much money, and a bunch of bills are coming due, and in true, typical American style, I'm just going to have to carry that Visa balance until January when I can pay it down to the usual month-to-month minimums again. Oh well. I'm just looking forward to the end of next year, when my car will be paid off and I won't be losing another $400 a month to that payment. (This is why you make larger down payments when you can, kiddies. It shrinks the monthly payouts later. x.x)

Feeling really shitty lately, on an emotional and physical level. The ingrown toenails are one hell of a pain, literally and figuratively, and having had the podiatrist hack at them only creates a new pain on both levels, because of the after-care involved. And CVS ran out of betadine solution, the bastards. Which means I have to brave Target in the very near future. UGH. (Silver lining is that once they're healed, they shouldn't be a problem ever again, but still. Ouch.

Since I can't put on proper shoes, I can't hit the gym to lose the weight I've gained back, and being this frustrated and stressed means I'm not only not losing any weight, but I'm reaching for comfort food before anything else. It's a bad, bad cycle. None of my work pants fit anymore - I'm back to the standby of A-line, elastic-waisted skirts and sensible shoes. I hate it. I hate how I look in the mirror right now, and even having a good makeup day isn't helping anymore. I keep shopping to feel better and only wind up with a credit card bill I can't pay off in one go. Which means more stress.

Right now, I have this vague ambition to have a sizeable savings account and to pay off my car sooner than later, and instead, I'm buying cheap lipsticks and perfumes I won't wear and hair accessories I'll never use and I'm screwed if I miss a payday. I hate the world so very, very much right now.

I don't trust where I work anymore, either - this past week dredged up all the old, painful memories of Whatever They Call It Now, LLC, and the time I spent working there under a supervisor who pretended to be my friend only to turn around and bite me without warning or provocation, depending on her mood and whims. I am SO afraid this re-org has placed me into a new situation like that -- my new supervisor is constantly saying that she's an open door, that we can come to her for anything, and I so very much WANT to believe her but CAN'T, and it's insanely frustrating to be in that position, especially now that I had to go to HR to confront the issue of another manager lying and stirring shit up (and after that meeting, I was told she backpedaled like an out-of-control Schwinn, so we'll see how this turns out).

An even bigger fear is that I'm sliding into some state of depression again, and I am more terrified of that happening than anything. I don't think I could stand to be back in a state of feeling nothing and gaining 20 pounds and never leaving the house except for work. Mom suggested I drop Ballet because it starts tomorrow and I can't wear shoes of any kind right now, and I almost agreed, because that was the easy way out, rather than speaking to the instructor and pointing out that I can't wear shoes until next week but would try to participate as best I could until then. And the easy way out means I won't get out of the house for anything more than Tea lessons once a week in addition to work. I may be an introvert, but I'm not keen on being a hermit anymore. There are too many interesting things to do.

(I forgot to write down the ones I was thinking of over the weekend. Oops.)

Spent too much money
On such pretty, shiny things --
I've always felt that
There's still a long road ahead;
Yet I was the only one.


A bit starved for poetic appeal, but... meh. The Bowers Cherry Blossom Festival yesterday had neither cherry blossoms nor much festivity involved. There were hordes of badly behaved children and their minders, and even the performance troupe had only ONE person in a proper kimono ensemble. (And I mean proper in the loosest sense of the word. Seriously. Like, proper = actual kimono. Not the ladies' silk bathrobe from Chinatown, not something sheer and pink and fuzzy with no collar. Folks, you're within 20 miles of some place that will sell them for a good bargain, even on this side of the Orange Curtain. You're also near at least three distinct ethnic enclaves of Japanese people - SOMEONE will have a kimono to lend for a few hours on a Sunday afternoon.)

Also, red-headed dude on the shamisen? Awesome skill with the instrument, but I really hope you didn't pay a lot for the ladies' kimona-sleeved poly-satin nightgown you had on over your Western clothes. I really wish someone would have shown you at least one picture of a man in proper attire before you chose that outfit.

I realize I break the rules a lot, and still have a lot to learn about kitsuke, but if you're going to present something to a large audience of people who don't know any better? DO IT RIGHT. Even my mom, who is steadily learning proper Japanese terms for all these things and patiently looks through my kimono porn magazines with me, was asking what sort of special fashion or regional thing the presenters were doing that they looked so different from what she was used to seeing.

It was oddly discouraging to be the only person in kimono there. (Though I did meet a nice Japanese lady from Okinawa who's been in the states 10 months now, has enviably awesome English skills [I wish I were so skilled with Japanese], and wants to wear kimono and go to a cafe, just like in all the magazines. She was surprised I knew how to get dressed, and had picked my outfit * out on my own. She was also very amused that I was telling mom how the 'maiko' obi was usually something that hung much longer, rather than a large bow-shaped musubi as the presenter had on, and the shigoki obi was usually red, not white. I didn't bother getting into the katsura style... (Amazing what you learn when you lurk on the internets.) That said, the outfit and makeup were fantastic, as was the dancing, and I'm sorry I didn't bring my camera for that part of the show.)

* Green hitoe (because it was hot!) with little critters and umbrellas and sakura petals, a burgundy and white hakata obi (which I found is MUCH too short to wrap twice, oops!), and pink accessories (obiage, obijime with glass bead), plus a cute jade obi kazari with a turtle on it. I did have fun with a flower-patterned han'eri and my light green yabane tabi socks, breaking the rules on what 'should' be white. Hey, it's an outdoor festival. I don't need to be too conformist - I'm not pretending to be an expert in front of an audience of several hundred. Also, I REALLY should just spring for a silk muji hitoe, because it's so miserably warm by April. My poly ones are too warm!

Saturday's Kyoei trip was brief but fun - I picked up a red obijime, a lemon yellow obiage, and a yellow date-eri to go with my crane houmongi that I want to wear to the opening day at the museum on the 19th - I have the outfit pretty well picked out at this point. I definitely plan on staying indoors as much as possible, since it's a lined kimono and the only juban I own is synthetic (gah!) at the sleeves and skirt. I also plan on wearing my decidedly NOT Japanese gold "zori" that are actually just nice thong sandals with a cute crystal bead fringe on them, because my feet ache enough in slightly-too-small shoes as it is. I will have white tabi and a white collar, though. ( I do lament my lack of a pinstriped blue/grey wool kimono and obi in my size, now, because basting on a black cotton collar to look very Edo would have been SO much fun for the opening of the samurai exhibit. Just sayin'. )

Note for later: The next shipment is at month-end, and the lady that does the kimono alterations is in Japan until mid-month - May will be a bit spendy, too, I think. Good thing I'll be working overtime... (We'll not go into the paranoia about my job because I've been making noises about wanting to move up, and they're making noises about reducing staff if we don't meet budget. I don't want a pay raise as badly as I want to get out of the clerical pigeonhole I'm stuck in...)

So I went to the gym and got one of those freebie profile things done by a trainer - according to their measurements (the scientific 'pinch test' method), I'm about 30% body fat and for my age, should be between 20 and 25%. Which basically means, after the math is done, I need to lose 8-10 pounds of fat.

Given that my gym goal is to be more active and lose either 10-15 pounds and/or 4-6 inches from my hips, I'd say I'm doing okay. I'm not going to shell out $200 plus personal training sessions, of course, but I do get a freebie session that will at least give me a chance to get some feedback on how to use the equipment (like, is there a way to use the elliptical without my knees buckling?) or do a proper push-up, etc.

My legs are sore - I was told my hip abductors are weak and sucky because I spent 9-10 hours a day in a chair, so I went and used those machines until I couldn't stand it. At least I recover quickly; now I'm just rubbery and uncomfortable, rather than having a hard time standing.

And now it's movie time, because I have Netflix stacking up. ^_^

So, Fridays are good gym days - not too packed because people are going out to drink rather than exercise. There's also a 6:30pm dance-aerobics class that looks interesting, and a Sunday yoga class I'd like to try. I don't know what I need for the class, though - I have a mat, brick, and I *think* a strap. I don't know if I need anything else. (This makes Friday, Sunday, and possibly late Tuesday or Wednesday as my gym nights - the weekday crowd is apparently thick until about 11pm.)

Set up my membership today, and found my ideal routine - 20 minutes at a fast walk on the treadmill (enough I have to take long strides just shy of jogging, but not so much it's hard to breathe) then the corner circuit of different weight machines for about 30-odd minutes depending on how crowded it is, then another 20 minutes on the treadmill, again at a fast walk (incline optional but interesting). MUCH easier to use the treadmills than the ellipticals or other cardio equipment - less fussy, and I'm less likely to injure myself because my knee buckles unexpectedly when I use the ellipticals. Something about the motion and the angle combined, and it's hard not to fall over. (Weirdest sensation in the world is getting off of the treadmill. It's like I'm still sort of floating in fast-forward for a moment or two.)

Current weight is 163. The real progress is my hips, 43" from 44.5" two weeks ago. Some of that is no doubt water weight from That Time Of The Month last week, but still. My goal is 150-155 in weight and 39" hips. (This may or may not be unreasonable, measurement-wise, as my high hip is about 38" and I have a very curvy backside no matter how thin I get, but I can still hope...)


I really should write inspirational kimono measurements on my mirror instead of weight goals: 142 x 175 x 68cm or something, rather than my Real Size: 150 x 175 x 74cm (something unattainable using current kimono fabric bolt widths - I'm gonna learn me some sewing!).

So, if I can keep up the 3 days/week at a routine that gets me to the point of uncomfortable but not in pain (the weight machines are all set to something ridiculously low like 1 or 2), I'll get some muscle tone if nothing else, and hopefully shed a few inches, if not pounds. *crosses fingers*

Tiff, I got your letter a few days ago, but because the name on the envelope made NO SENSE to me, it just sat in a pile with the rest of the mail until I remembered what you'd said on the phone. (Enter stage left: A moment of DUH.)  Sounds like your job is really working out for you. :)


Weighed in this morning after disappointingly finding out two weeks ago I'd gone back UP 6 pounds to hit 167. This morning, I'm back down to 161. Yey. I think my *goal* will be to either maintain this weight or go down to 155. Anything lower I don't think is reasonable to maintain without completely changing lifestyle and habits (exercising regularly isn't a BAD thing, but it means I'd either be out walking well after dark or paying for a gym membership - neither option is especially appealing; eating nothing but veggies and fat-free everything is just BORING, etc).  I don't do too badly right now - Lean Cuisine lunch, some veggie or other with dinner, and breakfast is either 12 ounces of milk-with-instant-breakfast-mix or Special K, with some Benefiber when I remember to add it in.  My exercise is usually me running around the office frantically, so I probably clock a mile or two a day on average, three or four on busy days. (Add to that the 2" heels I'm sometimes wearing and I've got myself a workout.) So all in all, I'm pretty healthy. Certainly not a model for 'Fitness' magazine by any means, but... better than when my breakfast was a Frappuccino and lunch was two packages of Pop Tarts. Back then, the only 'healthy' meal I ate was dinner, and usually that was because it was a home, so everything was no-sodium, no-fat. And double servings of ice cream for dessert. -.-''

My goal for this month is to work extra hours, because I need the money, and it will keep me from shopping and spending more than I make (my worst habit EVAR).  If I put in 10 hours, and relax in the kitchen with Food Network when I get home, I'll be saving money (buying groceries instead of pre-packaged food, Lean Cuisine being the notable exception) and practicing my cooking skills. I think Monday night I'll hit up the grocery store and buy a TON of raw veggies. I'll have money in savings and a swimsuit body by November, dammit.  o.O::

Earthquake! (And a few bitty aftershocks)

--

Today's the three-year mark. I remembered BEFORE midnight this year, rather than 75% through the day last year. I guess because my brain keeps saying "First Friday of the school year" not "Sep 2nd" and... my brain is a sad and pathetic place to be at times.

All things considered, I'm doing well. Not going to the head-doc anymore (too damn much money for not enough results, and he's NOT much help - if he smiles and nods while I babble in carefully-planned detail about killing coworkers, I really don't think he's listening). I still miss Dad a ridiculously great deal, but I'm moving on more effectively than I ever could in the past. I have no doubt a great deal of that is due in part to a job that doesn't send me home to drink at the end of the day because of stress and misery. Kinda hard to find an even keel when you don't even have 'normal' on your compass. I'm able to let go of old stuff more and more - I've started hauling boxes of old books and magazines from the office to donate/sell/dump (I know, it's a crime, but these are old, ratty things that are of no use to anyone), and while I still have more stuff to go through, I've actually cleared enough that I have two empty shelves AND the floor's mostly clear. It's a surprising improvement. What's left is mostly clearing out a cabinet that needs to be removed, and 80% of what's in there is old disks and software that I haven't gone through but should. Maybe when the weather cools a bit - the office gets ALL of the afternoon sun, so it's like an oven after 11:30 am.

--

In other news, my latest diet lasted all of 18 hours. I really should go get food at the store to keep at work that's good for me AND filling. Walnuts are doing a damn good job right now filling that niche, but they're rather bland and boring. Ah well.

Gots mah first offishul paycheck from work today - they do the twice-monthly (15th, last day of the month) system - and I get last week's pay tomorrow... Which means I can actually, yanno, pay rent to mom on time this round. o.o: Who knew.


Now, if I don't go nutzo and forget to tally all the other expenses I need to cover in the next two weeks, I'm good until the 13th (next payday - they round to the nearest Friday if payday's on a weekend). I've got my benefits started (flexible spending and short-term disability for now), and after signing up for the 401K, I'm all set until next February, I think. I need to check the open enrollment/benefit change periods - I think they're either every six months or quarterly, but I don't recall for sure.


Life is looking good right now, and it's a sad statement that something so simple as a thought like that is so rare for me. Which means *I'm* doing better, in more ways than just employment. [Though winning Starbux monies for answering trivia questions is pretty sweet.] To give you an idea of just how simply good I feel, contentment-wise, I'm really not even giving much of a damn about my weight - I eat as healthy as I can manage [planning a trek to Trader Joe's probably tomorrow night] and stop eating when I'm not hungry. The last three days, I've made a point of drinking a LOT of water to make up for the May War drought I accidentally inflicted on myself. Size 14? Whatever. 16? Hey, the pants fit and my ass looks fine. (Honestly, I'll take weight over skin problems, which I have a plethora of lately.) I just need to keep remembering to drink water and Gatorade and I suspect I'll feel even BETTER.



Tomorrow's going to be hectic - I finish with the unit I'm at, cross-train further for the unit I'm going to (and train the guy who's filling my spot) and move desks all before 5pm. Should be interesting.


And I got a click'n'ship for BiggerCritters! Vanilla and citrus just sounds delightful to me. Here's hoping it *is*. That should get here Saturday or Monday, depending on when the Trading Post hits the post office.


I also misbehaved and bought E.S. Posthumus' "Unearthed" off iTunes. ... but it's such AWESOME music, so I'm having a damned hard time feeling the least bit guilty about it. :D I have been good, though, about adding stuff to my cart, and going over the previews repeatedly before buying, because half the stuff I've bought I never listen to anymore. Bad Kitty.

As stupid as it sounds, the Carmen Electra line of striptease aerobics is rather amusing. And a workout, if you're a blob like me and don't actually work out, ever. And it's interesting, so I'm not just doing mindless reps of things until I could scream. I do wish the music was better - you can supposedly pick from techno, hip-hop, or rock, but they all sounded the same; I don't think my DVD player supports it, or I was on the wrong part of the DVD for it. Either way, my legs HURT, and oddly enough, my arms are kinda tender too, though the bulk of the routines were hip and thigh movements. Go fig.


Down side is, you're watching Carmen Electra. Kinda hard to feel fit and sexy when being stared down by a 32DD bronzed goddess of smut. (On the bright side, her backup trainers are less interesting, despite being similarly, ridiculously fit.)


I'll probably try and do this a few more times this week, and then I need to figure out exactly what to do when Mom's home; the only DVD player in the house is downstairs, and ... well, I'm not stripteasing for *her* - the dogs were an awkward enough audience, thankyouverymuch. o.O::