和 敬 西 洋

I'm spending more time at the gym. Not buff yet (I like food too much for muscles to show up), but I can deadlift 115, bench 65, and squat 95 on a good day (bad knees = not many good days).  So that's nice. Aiming for three-digit numbers in all of the above, and the ability to do ONE un-assisted pullup before I die. So.

Remember date-not-date guy? We're still hanging out, he's still sweet as pie, and he likes my cooking. He's getting more attractive by the day. It helps that the panic attacks have faded away to a dull discomfort.  So that's nice. I might even find the stones to try dating him again, since he's proven time and time again that he's a Really Solid Guy.  (Not to mention an incredibly supportive gym buddy twice a week - I won't be gaining 30+ pounds due to drinking and eating to excess as a means of Doing Something Together.)

Everything else... work is still a way to pay most of my bills but the wages are rather shite (for the industry - I realize I make halfway decent money, but it's STILL not enough to live on my own despite being professionally licensed and earning some measure of seniority; compared to what others in the same positions make at other brokerages, we're a good 10K less a year, or more. It's irritating, especially when the company makes other large financial decisions that are clearly Not Smart, and then whines about the bottom line being so tight.)

I'm still hovering at the upper half of the 155s on the scale (and have for the better part of a year, now), but I'm slowly changing composition, so it's a leaner look than before. Frustrating, to see a number that doesn't signify progress, but the tape measure says otherwise. And I need to realize that at my goal body composition, I will probably weigh MORE.  I quit Weight Watchers - their system punishes me for the amount of protein I need in a day to build muscle mass, and rewards bad/overprocessed food choices (yes, it's fat free and sugar free, but I can't pronounce half of the ingredients and I'm hungry half an hour later.... so I go over my Points budget constantly trying to stay satisfied. Better to have full fat, high protein, and reduce the processed carbs as much as I can in the middle of Girl Scout Cookie season. Also, BACON.)  Using My Fitness Pal instead - more customizable goals. So yay for that.

Most of my social networking has slipped from Facebook to Fitocracy.  I tend to get unrealistic expectations of how I'll look in the mirror, surrounded by So Many Beautiful People, but it's also a site that's incredibly supportive of everyone, no matter what stage of their fitness they're in. (Added bonus: the number of fit men who post shirtless pics. Eye candy, all day, every day.)  And I really have turned into a gym rat. I ADORE lifting weights. Still hate cardio, but... Love weightlifting. Love the next-day ache that tells me I did well. Also like kickboxing, since I can get all my violent urges out on the bag and still improve coordination and conditioning. Win? :)

I still stalk everyone on my feed here, though. I just haven't commented as much. . .

Anyway. That's the state of my life right now. 

I am so tired of feeling angry and resentful and somehow TRAPPED lately, it's getting ridiculous.


It is really fuckin' hard to tell someone that everything they're doing lately is hurtful, because it just feeds into the blame game. Telling them that hey, maybe they ought to see someone about their obvious anger issues probably isn't going to be helpful either, though it gets more tempting by the day.

I think what I'm going to have to do is just start taking LONG breaks until I can get a better handle on my own hurt feelings. Maybe by then I'll know what to do next.

How do you get out of being in a very bad headspace? What works for you?


I'm tired of being angry about work, and there is light at the end of the tunnel, but the short version is that that job change that was supposed to be good? And a move up? Was the worst decision I have EVER made in the history of my employment. (The job I refer to as 'The Job from Hell' didn't have me experiencing panic attacks on a near-daily basis the way I am at work now. Or constant headaches and stomach problems from stress.) I cannot recall being this miserable in a long, long time, and the last time I left a situation this unhappy, it was because I quit. I'd rather not quit where I work now, because at least this time, management is on my side, but I don't think their suggested fixes are going to be nearly enough.


So.


How do you stop being angry, at least for a few minutes at a time? I keep trying to distract myself with other projects (classes, cooking, etc), but my mind still wanders back to work and I hate it. I really hate being this upset.

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This is an interesting question, and while I agree wholeheartedly with Naamah's answer on the subject (one does not preclude the other, etc), I also think I'd like to be the smartypants, rather than the artypants, only because quite selfishly, the most aggravating feeling in the world for me is to know that something SHOULD make intelligent sense but DOESN'T. (I'm feeling that a LOT at work right now with so many new procedures and protocols to absorb it's enough to make me curl up and sob in a corner.) I really, really, really hate that sensation of feeling dumb.
Artsy endeavors, on the other hand, are purely personal farting around for me - I don't really want my creative pursuits on display*, and the only time I actually play piano or draw or write these days is when I'm home alone with the doors locked. Even better if it's raining outside and there's hot cocoa or coffee to be had. [If I need a creative fix and can't get the house to myself, I dig out a fantasy novel from the overflowing bookshelves and lock myself in my room - someone else wrote it, so if Mom wants to know what it is, someone else's pride can handle the criticism.] And none of my art-ing is especially good by any standard, but it's all engaging and amusing and scratches a particular itch that needs scratching now and then; of course, I wholeheartedly accept that I'm a pretty average schmuck whose strengths are largely clerical and job-related organization at this point. I mean really, my latest pet project is getting caught up on my filing at home. Ah, the joy of chronologically sorted, easily-accessible bank statements. I spent 4 hours yesterday working on my office/craft room; I can actually access most of it, now, save for a stockpile of absolutely ancient floppy disks, etc (from when it was Dad's office) that really need to either be run past an electromagnet or their contents copied to disk somewhere, and that's going to be a week-long undertaking at the least. I suspect 80% of them will be discard-able, but some of them contain the PageMaker layouts and content from the old Family Reports he did for all the extended cousins, etc and I'd like to consolidate those, perhaps to PDF and burn to disc(s) for posterity. Which will be another nerd-tastic project. Go figure.

* One sticking point in the argument for breaking up several relationships ago was that he resented the fact I wouldn't share my writing. It's not for sharing, dammit. It's for ME. That's why it's locked up on my hard drive and not out on fanfiction.net!

I've been feeling tired lately, and I can't figure out if it's work stress, foot stress (because while it wasn't major surgery, it's a pain in the ass nonetheless), or something more. I get home each night and all I can really think about is how badly I want to crawl into bed and stay there, and every time I think of going in to work, I'm now having awful flashbacks from when I worked at That Other Place and my immediate supervisor was an awful, unpredictable wench. (At least where I work now, no one thumps a Bible in my direction or tells me I'm 'stained by sin' because of my brown hair and brown eyes. You think I'm kidding, don't you?)

Work shenanigans are either no more or on the down-low; my immediate supervisor is... different. (I miss my old one, who was completely hands-off.) I can't decide if her "I'm everyone's friend!" approach is something aimed at keeping me from raising the red flag again or she's just like that, but either way, it doesn't put me at ease, it gives me the willies. I'm sorry, but after the last supervisor I had that pretended to be my friend wound up costing me my job, I just don't trust it. I'd much rather she were standoffish and blunt; I'd at least know exactly where I stand. Coming up to my desk every day, several times a day, to see how I am and chat? Freaks me way the hell out. (Though I don't think the Dalai Lama's "The Art of Happiness - At Work" sitting on my shelf missed her notice - it wasn't there last week, after all.)

Yes, I have trust issues, and you can be damned sure I've earned them.

(In other news, G is my bestest friend evar!!1!1eleventy! and things are going very smoothly on that front. She still drives me batty at times, but... meh. I've learned to work with her - only took 2 years. Nice Guy is staying on his side of the office - came by once and I didn't offer more than one-sentence answers to his attempt at conversation - and while still coming across as a moron as far as his reading comprehension goes, has probably figured out that I hold no fondness for him on even the most platonic levels.)


On the health front, my toes are healing slowly (the right foot didn't need as much work, the left is still an oozy mess) and while I was told I only need the anti-staph ointment for a week, it's been a week and I suspect I really should keep it up over the weekend, along with the iodine-epsom soaks. Ingrown toenails are a BITCH, y'all. Especially when it takes surgery to deal with them. x.x I'm still losing hair at what seems to be a rather alarming rate - seriously, I don't know what will help to slow or stop that, but I've taken to washing my hair every other day because it freaks me out to see so much going down the drain, and then even more on the brush later.
I have been exhausted for three weeks now, and being exhausted makes me upset and cranky, and honestly, I really, really need a break from the world right now.

Ballet 1 is kicking my ass - between the nonexistent posture I have and the fact my adductor muscles are atrophied to nothing, I'm having trouble just standing upright in first position. (Anyone who knows of helpful videos on YouTube that show the positions and how to do them? Linky me, please.) Half the class is made up of students who are taking it for the second-or-more time, too, so just keeping up with the most basic drills is a Herculean task.

Lordee, I'm tired and sore and unhappy this month. And if it really doesn't get better soon, I just don't know what I'm going to do. (Make a doc's appointment, I suppose. This is creeping into depression territory again, slowly - getting near the grey area right now.) I've been on the edge of tears all week for no real reason other than minor frustrations and exhaustion have upset my equilibrium all the way to the red zone. Hell, I'm rather weepy right now just thinking about this, because I feel so frustrated and helpless, and it's all such stupid, small stuff. Little pains in the toes, a need to sleep a little more, so my weight and skin and hair aren't perfect so what, there's drama at work like there is every goddamned day in every office around the world. And yet, here I am, unable to quell the overwhelming need to cry about it, which is in turn not helping me feel any better because now the element of wow-I-suck-at-life-and-coping has been added to the pile.

Not really opening this up for discussion here*, but there's some stuff that's worth thinking about. (Via Naamah's LJ: http://naamah-darling.livejournal.com/404684.html) Go, read all the links she's offered there. Seriously.

http://cereta.livejournal.com/652008.html
It's a very well-written food for thought on how we interact with each other, how we value ourselves, and how we value others. I'm still going through the pages upon pages of comments, reading the stories and point-counterpoint remarks (which have been surprisingly civil thus far, given the nature of the topic). It reminds me of a few situations that I've been in that were sketchy or uncomfortable and I didn't have the self-value to speak up immediately, instead preferring to just be unresponsive and hope it was enough. And I'm generally a rather confident woman, in most situations (at least outwardly - there's always room for self-criticism, it seems; it's the Jell-O of the psyche).

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* Work blocks LJ and other sites, and I don't get home until late, so I won't be able to respond to comments or do modly things if this becomes a hot-button can of worms. Go discuss at the original post, if you feel the need. I'm just putting it out because I really think it's something that needs to be read and considered, even if you don't agree, k?

I am SO not ready for tomorrow's exam. I'm tired, I'm cranky, the homework I did to practice didn't stick with me at ALL... yeah. Work was hell, too. (Seriously, I know I wasn't in yesterday, but it FREAKS ME OUT when I realize someone has disturbed my cube space. Seriously. Freaks. Me. Out. And it was my manager, too. ;__; )

Oh, the Oil Cleansing Method update --
Keep in mind, Wednesday's headache clusterfuck skewed the results, since I went in the tub for no less than three deep-steam sessions to try and clear the pounding in my skull.

Also, I found out today just WHY my chin is a war zone, and it's not just my bad computer-user habit of resting my chin in one hand. It's that time of the month. So. The rest of my face doesn't look a whole lot different (the skin seems more moisturized, on average), and the blackheads aren't all that much smaller or less noticeable, since I have a penchant for exfoliation. So we'll see - I'll keep it up for another week, just to see how I do after the hormones have calmed down. I have swapped to a blackhead scrub for the a.m. shower, because I know I need the (gentle) exfoliation, and tonight and tomorrow night (and maybe the rest of the weekend) are salycilic acid toner treatments after the OCM (but before two drops of jojoba oil to moisturize lightly). I may go back to Mother's and try a different oil - Sweet Almond seems to be a bit too much in the moisture department, and Jojoba's working, but I heard that grapeseed had some astringency that might do some good as well. I'm not willing to spend $25 for a TINY 1-oz thing of rose hip oil serum for blemishes, especially if I don't know how it will work, but I do know of a site that sells a decently-sized bottle for under $10, and even after shipping, it's a better bargain. (Hooray for sites catering to bulk purchases!) I just might wind up mixing my own blend of oils for cleansing, once I get this figured out.

I got more makeup. I need to NOT order for another few weeks, now, limited editions notwithstanding. Seriously. x.x

On the up side, I'll be getting 4 hours of OT on Saturday. Yey. Sorta.

Heard the new Tuesday
But didn't think too deeply;
Now the tears won't stop -
PMS isn't helping.
I am doomed to work with G.



Basically, it finally hit me that I have been set up for failure, whether intentionally or not, at work. The people I am supposed to work with will never acknowledge anything I do - they will nitpick any and every mistake and ignore the fact that 99% of the time I'm doing things right. And when my review comes in June, and the company doesn't make budget in July, my "poor performance" will get me fired. (That's the summary, basically. There are layers and layers to all this.)

So once I've calmed down about this, I'm going to email my supervisor and just ask WHY things were decided that way, what the reasoning was behind it, etc. Because I don't honestly think that the ops manager realizes what her decision will do to me. Do they give immunity in these things, like on TV? Can we just block G from giving any feedback? I dunno. But I intend to find out.

Uff-da.


Wore green. No one was dumb enough to pinch me (though the black eye I'd have given them would have faded to a festive yellow-green on them in a week, right?) - I think wearing my asskicker boots was a good deterrent. Was indirectly accused of dressing like a slut, by the guy that hits on me daily (in a non-skeevy way, it's more that I know gamer jargon and watch SciFi [SyFy?] regularly, etc and he's not socially blessed, to put it nicely) - which was a real WTF moment, since I had on long jeans (now a half-size too big, huzzah!), long-sleeved shirt (with a high, nothing-showing neckline) and my hair up in a rather sedated French twist. Go figure. Must have been the long green 'come-hither' earrings (they're fugly, but they're green) and the arsenal of cheap sterling rings.

Fewer cramps tonight. Less GI trouble. (Yey. Still spotting, but that's to be expected, since it is That Time Of Month, more or less.) Yey? Quiz tomorrow - it was supposed to be yesterday, but we had a guest speaker instead. (I understand I am not an Accounting Person. Really. But a two-hour lecture on the Good Old Days as a CPA? REALLY not inspiring. Or interesting.)


I bought a cheap duffel bag (a quest in itself, since nothing is especially organized at that Sport Chalet) - now my gym things will stay in the car so I can actually USE them at the GYM - I've paid for two months now and haven't gone there. Oy. It's not like I'm aiming for a bikini body, but seriously... I have yet to shed the 10 pounds or 3 inches I wanted to get rid of by, oh... May. So. Working on that, I guess. I've at least tried switching to tea for half my caffeine needs at work, and opted not to eat nearly as much junk (and not eating out saves $$, too). Baby steps. I'm still seriously considering buying the Ellie Krieger book that lists swaps and small changes for healthy stuff, because I like the idea of those things in one convenient book, rather than scattered across the 'net and Prevention.com newsletters. Tomorrow after class, I intend to go to the gym first, instead of home - at least get ten minutes of treadmill and some muscle work in, yanno? Something. I'm losing what little tone I had in my arms. Boo. (Oh, and I am SO buying my gym clothes at Target - Sport Chalet wanted $60 for Nike-branded capris. The clingy-stretchy kind that make your cellulite show in HD. $60! Gawd. I hate going in there - 2/3 of the store is Roxy/Oakley trendy crap now, not even remotely sports related. I'll keep my off-brand washable not-clingy-and-fits crap from Target, thanks. I can get a sports bra, pants, AND tee there for the cost of one pair of pants at the other place. Seriously.)


I can smell the comfort food downstairs. Nummers.

I am REALLY tired for having done not-a-whole-lot today; got up early (read: before 10 am on a weekend) to take Mom to the airport, which was a rather bumpy task (she was running late and needed to yell at someone, I was in firing range), hit up Mitsuwa for Monday night's miso soup ingredients (and the fall edition of Kimono Salon - sssh! I haven't worked the OT for it yet...), then came back and flopped onto the couch to watch the last disc of Heroes season 2. (The first half of the season was all right, but the last 4 episodes.... eh.) Unloaded the dishwasher, put in the first two discs of 12 Kingdoms (surprisingly good, though the short ep length is a pain in the ass), and went back to doing my best imitation of a turnip.

I also broke a pot and managed to get a few loads of laundry and some watering in the backyard done, but... I don't really feel like I accomplished much.


I did put on The Boots at 7 this morning and have been stomping around in them all day. ^______^ There's something about the attitude they give me (the heel making my legs look a few yards longer is nice, too) that's so damn addictive. Like, "Bring it on!" but with less cheerleader and more badass or something. I dunno. I luffs them. And they don't even need breaking in. o.O: My feet feel just FINE - no pinching, no blisters, no rubbing... Nada. And they don't weigh much more than a pair of 8-hole Doc Martens, either, as far as I can tell, so it's not like I'm wearing crazy leg weights or something.