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Time to break out the LJ again...
Apr. 6th, 2012 10:50 pmParanoia.
Hate it.
The 'annual review' emails have started flying - and this time, it's a whole unit at a time. Which means that when I was getting my coworkers' feedback requests from management, they were getting mine. (These reviews are 'annual' and happen about every 18-24 months. Basically, Management sends out via BCC a list of requested areas of feedback for a person and assumes that the responses they will receive are actually thoughtful and come from a neutral or carefully-considered position. It's a total farce, but expecting managers to take the time to get to know the people they manage is even more laughable. Lose-lose setup, for the rest of us on the ass-end of the totem pole.)
And while my team lead (we now get along, so there's that) has plenty of nice things to say to my face, I don't know how she's going to fill in the form. And I don't know how my other teammate is going to fill it in - he likes to throw his (nonexistant) weight around and considers me "moody" because he has no grasp on personal space and thus pisses me off every time he hovers over me in my own goddamned cube. He likes to talk a big game, but it's all hot air, and we're all sick of it. So I don't know if he's going to 'talk a big game' and include some sort of perceived "constructive" criticism that will torpedo the whole goddamned thing, yanno? It makes me want to retaliate pre-emptively on his form, but then, that's not going to do anyone any favors, either.
And I am trying so fucking hard to get out of that entire unit that even the tiniest speedbumpis going to hurt. A lot.
So. Paranoid.
Monday, I think I'm going to go through all of my emails and PDF up the positive feedback and my long-neglected kudos file. Because it never hurts to bolster your own case, right? (I really miss working in a group that actively, positively reinforced people. Where I am now, the word 'thank you' is something fired off as a perfunctory necessity, not any sort of actual heart-felt reaction. I miss being honestly appreciated when I go out of my way for someone/something.)
Christ, I need a prescription for Xanax. I'm seriously considering trying (again) to utilize the 'Employee Assistance' program through our bennies to find a shrink with a scrip pad. Seriously. Deep breathing and meditation and incense and green tea is doing FUCKALL right now to stave off panic attacks.
[How the fuck can I feel like my life is falling apart when anyone else would consider it going well? I have someone expressing a passing interest in me, I'm gainfully (hah) employed, I have my physical health... And I'm a complete and utter basket case these days.]
I think I just may use some PTO in the near future and take a personal sabbatical for a few days. I've got 60-ish hours to work with - I could take three days and just do utterly NOTHING. I'd have to schedule it with mom, too, or she'll get after me to do something 'because I'm home', etc. and I don't want the interruptions or personal space invasions. I don't know what else to do.
Hate it.
The 'annual review' emails have started flying - and this time, it's a whole unit at a time. Which means that when I was getting my coworkers' feedback requests from management, they were getting mine. (These reviews are 'annual' and happen about every 18-24 months. Basically, Management sends out via BCC a list of requested areas of feedback for a person and assumes that the responses they will receive are actually thoughtful and come from a neutral or carefully-considered position. It's a total farce, but expecting managers to take the time to get to know the people they manage is even more laughable. Lose-lose setup, for the rest of us on the ass-end of the totem pole.)
And while my team lead (we now get along, so there's that) has plenty of nice things to say to my face, I don't know how she's going to fill in the form. And I don't know how my other teammate is going to fill it in - he likes to throw his (nonexistant) weight around and considers me "moody" because he has no grasp on personal space and thus pisses me off every time he hovers over me in my own goddamned cube. He likes to talk a big game, but it's all hot air, and we're all sick of it. So I don't know if he's going to 'talk a big game' and include some sort of perceived "constructive" criticism that will torpedo the whole goddamned thing, yanno? It makes me want to retaliate pre-emptively on his form, but then, that's not going to do anyone any favors, either.
And I am trying so fucking hard to get out of that entire unit that even the tiniest speedbumpis going to hurt. A lot.
So. Paranoid.
Monday, I think I'm going to go through all of my emails and PDF up the positive feedback and my long-neglected kudos file. Because it never hurts to bolster your own case, right? (I really miss working in a group that actively, positively reinforced people. Where I am now, the word 'thank you' is something fired off as a perfunctory necessity, not any sort of actual heart-felt reaction. I miss being honestly appreciated when I go out of my way for someone/something.)
Christ, I need a prescription for Xanax. I'm seriously considering trying (again) to utilize the 'Employee Assistance' program through our bennies to find a shrink with a scrip pad. Seriously. Deep breathing and meditation and incense and green tea is doing FUCKALL right now to stave off panic attacks.
[How the fuck can I feel like my life is falling apart when anyone else would consider it going well? I have someone expressing a passing interest in me, I'm gainfully (hah) employed, I have my physical health... And I'm a complete and utter basket case these days.]
I think I just may use some PTO in the near future and take a personal sabbatical for a few days. I've got 60-ish hours to work with - I could take three days and just do utterly NOTHING. I'd have to schedule it with mom, too, or she'll get after me to do something 'because I'm home', etc. and I don't want the interruptions or personal space invasions. I don't know what else to do.
