和 敬 西 洋

Feeling really shitty lately, on an emotional and physical level. The ingrown toenails are one hell of a pain, literally and figuratively, and having had the podiatrist hack at them only creates a new pain on both levels, because of the after-care involved. And CVS ran out of betadine solution, the bastards. Which means I have to brave Target in the very near future. UGH. (Silver lining is that once they're healed, they shouldn't be a problem ever again, but still. Ouch.

Since I can't put on proper shoes, I can't hit the gym to lose the weight I've gained back, and being this frustrated and stressed means I'm not only not losing any weight, but I'm reaching for comfort food before anything else. It's a bad, bad cycle. None of my work pants fit anymore - I'm back to the standby of A-line, elastic-waisted skirts and sensible shoes. I hate it. I hate how I look in the mirror right now, and even having a good makeup day isn't helping anymore. I keep shopping to feel better and only wind up with a credit card bill I can't pay off in one go. Which means more stress.

Right now, I have this vague ambition to have a sizeable savings account and to pay off my car sooner than later, and instead, I'm buying cheap lipsticks and perfumes I won't wear and hair accessories I'll never use and I'm screwed if I miss a payday. I hate the world so very, very much right now.

I don't trust where I work anymore, either - this past week dredged up all the old, painful memories of Whatever They Call It Now, LLC, and the time I spent working there under a supervisor who pretended to be my friend only to turn around and bite me without warning or provocation, depending on her mood and whims. I am SO afraid this re-org has placed me into a new situation like that -- my new supervisor is constantly saying that she's an open door, that we can come to her for anything, and I so very much WANT to believe her but CAN'T, and it's insanely frustrating to be in that position, especially now that I had to go to HR to confront the issue of another manager lying and stirring shit up (and after that meeting, I was told she backpedaled like an out-of-control Schwinn, so we'll see how this turns out).

An even bigger fear is that I'm sliding into some state of depression again, and I am more terrified of that happening than anything. I don't think I could stand to be back in a state of feeling nothing and gaining 20 pounds and never leaving the house except for work. Mom suggested I drop Ballet because it starts tomorrow and I can't wear shoes of any kind right now, and I almost agreed, because that was the easy way out, rather than speaking to the instructor and pointing out that I can't wear shoes until next week but would try to participate as best I could until then. And the easy way out means I won't get out of the house for anything more than Tea lessons once a week in addition to work. I may be an introvert, but I'm not keen on being a hermit anymore. There are too many interesting things to do.