wakeiseiyo: (Pensive - lady of Shalott)
So, the last two weeks, I've been feeling like I'm running on near-empty, and I've been stuck in some sort of low-gear frustration mode, because EVERYTHING is aggravating. The fact that work has stopped being the stressful high is aggravating, and I find myself resentful of the fact my biggest task during the day is now filing. A bit fucked up, y'know?

And now I'm kinda figuring out why. Kinda. I mean, I've spent the last two MONTHS coming into work in the morning expecting to be bullied and having to fight back, documenting as if my life depends upon it (my job does), working ten-hour days to keep up, and basically trying to do all of that with a big, HR-friendly smile on my face to promote that "I'm a Team Player" image.

There is no satisfaction in scrabbling up a slippery slope of mediocrity around here, especially when other people are getting recognition for your work (yes, I'm bitter about that). I work hard, but people around here know me only for my goofy, oddball humor, because there is such a clique-ish mentality. They don't say thank you when I bust my butt on their emergency projects. There is no satisfaction in WINNING when your biggest victory is that G is on vacation for two weeks and there's no longer a fight to face for that time frame.

So basically, I've been in fight-not-flight mode for two months, there's suddenly a Pax Romana going on without any transition time. G is out of the office, the crazy has stopped cold. I suddenly have much less to do and no interruptions while doing it. It's that miserable lull between battles, when you KNOW there will be carnage but there's no reason to go looking for it until you have to. I've found myself fantasizing about random violence. Given that I'm a grade-A pansy that doesn't even go to the gym, this would certainly be an exercise in futility if it ever became reality. I can't even throw a punch, but I'm imagining myself going Xena: Warrior Princess on a lot of different people (many of them asshole drivers, which doesn't really lessen my frustration behind the wheel). And it's not the occasional fantasy. It's several times a day, and it's irritating to feel so angry - one big nasty circle jerk.

Hate it. Hatehatehate it. (And before anyone gets the bright idea to suggest I just find another job, I will point out that G is the only one in the office who is a true problem, and the ENTIRE upper tier of management is aware of her behavior. I have the big guns on my side. I like this office, I like the overall office culture, and I have quite a few co-workers that I consider good friends as well. That doesn't mean I'm not bothered by the whole mess, and thus blogging about it here. This is not an entry that needs any helpful employment commentary, kthxbai.)

The other element in the mood equation might be the Pill - I've been skipping it for two weeks, just to see how I feel OFF of it, and while there aren't any wild hormonal fluctuations right now, I also realize that there are more ups and downs than there would be on a 21-day regimen of a single, consistent-dose hormone. That's just the way nature works until I can afford to have it cut out (scarred up, or burned off) by a respectable doctor. So. [This is an experiment for two reasons: one, my libido is noticeably different on the Pill. Two, I want an IUD because I hate having to remember daily medications. If I'm not a raging hosebeast without my meds, the IUD remains a valid option. I just hope my periods won't go back to being debilitating, which was why I started on the Pill in the first place, seven+ years ago.]

But I've seriously been noticing more aggression lately that has no direction other than whatever immediately triggers it, because Kitty's Lizard Hind Brain is still on the hunt and looking for something to sink its teeth into. (Just look at the angry letters I've been sending to the city of Newport Beach about a certain intersection... A valid issue, but probably not deserving of the vitriol I want to heap on the city planners.) I've also been feeling more creative lately - more interested in making music, writing, etc., so I'm not sure if I should be looking for ways to channel my anger into art (which I'm leery of because I don't want to make a negative association between the two if I can help it), or if I should find some sort of freebie anger management class that will remind me my violent fantasies of coming out on top in a brawl with certain little old ladies named G are NOT healthy.


So in sum, GRRRR.
wakeiseiyo: (Catty (Catwoman))
Holee...


I think I just reverted back to grade school, because I'm talking to a (nice, not total stranger, friend-of-a-friend) guy online and all I can think is, 'Boys scare me! O.O::"  I'm panicking talking to a guy. It's WEIRD (and stupid and retarded). I feel like I should be sitting in a sterile white classroom in a too-small plastic chair, doing penmanship exercises.

And that's just messed up. Seriously. 

*roots around in subconscious* Where the fuck did my inner horny catwoman go? I want her back, dammit! All the pinup girl clothes and makeup in the world aren't helping right now...  *digs further, peers into dusty old cardboard boxes* 


In other news... I'll probably have some different psychobabble to post later that's analyzing my latest mood low and why it's happening.

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